Nothing wrong with a little extra detail  . I just put the story in proper narrative format and tried to make it easier to understand for the reader. Adding detail is crucial to the story. It makes it more interesting to read if done correctly. Too little detail, and the story is bland and unexciting. Too much detail and the story just becomes so painfully long it gets annoying (see the article I posted on the first page for examples). I'll add a list of basic descriptive adjectives you can play aroud with later.
Also I didn't really know Yoru was a guy lol. I don't watch anime, or TV in general. But, it is your story; ergo, your responsibility to write 
Edit: Ikuto did jump out the window in my revision. I stuck to what you previously had and just changed a few verbs and added a few adjectives. |
but you wrote it as if ikuto was committing suicide even though he was just exiting his house without being ambushed by utau his little sis who in my story is still crazy nuts about ikuto check the animation in my signature if you have no clue what im talking about utau is the blond girl and ikuto is the blue haired hottie boy, also i think yoru is shown right before utau starts her failure of a hug attack