I think it's a good start! I'd like to see more too. FP4 has a point about it being a wall of text. One common way to split up a story is to start a paragraph whenever you are starting a quote by someone who wasn't already talking.
You might also want to make some more paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. In creative writing, the goal is to make it flow well for readers, not pack as much relevant information in as possible (like in an essay).
Here's an example of what I meant with dialogue:
When they stood in front of him, his face filled with fear. He told them in a shaky voice, "Look boys, I don't want no trouble."
'I need a gf' replied in a gruff voice, "Well we DO! Take this!" He took his shining white sword from under his dark cloak and gave the bartender three quick slashes.
"OH MY GODS, OWW!!" screamed the bartender, recoiling in serious pain, "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE THE GRALATS, JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
|