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11-26-2015
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26
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No.
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 194
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PETA Protests Pasture Population Program
The Daily Pants Rants Issue 48, Thursday 26th November 2015
This just pants: PETA has issued a formal statement condemning the recent efforts to conserve the cow population within the Graal area.
Over the past decade, the bovine population has sharply declined due to the unregulated development of gralat farming. With mass deforestation and destruction of grasslands in order to extract the gralat minerals, cows have lost almost all of their primary food sources and natural habitat spaces. Just in the past 12 months alone, the numbers of cows in the wild has fallen over 99% leaving just one cow left which is now held in captivity at the shrine near the police station. Efforts have been made to sustain the life of the lone cow and initiate a breeding program in order to replenish their numbers. Given the lack of cows, the national supply of milk is now down to emergency reserve levels and prices have skyrocketed to more than 9,000 gralats per pint [1].
“This is just ridiculous! The price of milk is just too damn high! How can I afford to feed my family if milk costs more than my house? Just yesterday I had to sell two of my hats just to buy one bottle! TWO HATS!!” said local resident Bernart.
Sources claim that due to the scarcity of milk, criminal gangs have been looting and hoarding what little supply remains. Black market focus has shifted from selling stolen graphics to selling stolen milk and there are even outlandish reports of babies being kidnapped with ransoms for milk in exchange (although at the time of writing, no-one has attempted to retrieve any of the babies). But despite the clear need for more cows, PETA is adamant that they will not allow them to be conserved and bred.
“Cow milking is a cruel and unhealthy act […] If you drink milk, you’re subsidising the veal industry […] Save the cows from the misery of factory farms, stop buying milk and other dairy products! Discover the joy of soy!” said Jack Jackson, a PETA protester who wished not to be named [2].
PETA also protests that keeping cows alive and protecting their numbers would be unethical and against the wellbeing of the cows. Several attacks have been made against the shrine, with protesters attempting to break in and kidnap the last remaining cow of Graal. Graal Police are unable to provide additional security to the shrine as forces are already stretched thin enough due to recent outbreaks of milk-related criminal activity.
“To imprison an animal in a shelter and attempt to keep her alive to produce more cows is highly unethical and puts the cow under extreme stress and pain. The best way to solve the population problem is to just put her down. Milk is an evil product and provides no health benefits to humans whatsoever, we should all boycott the dairy industry and use alternatives such as soy, nuts, and seeds.” wrote Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETA, in an official statement.
As both the Graal economy and ecosystem face this bovine crisis, time is quickly running out for the government to make a decision on what to do.
More on this as events unfold.
[1] Market figures up-to-date as of 26/11/15 00:00 GMT
[2] PETA press release
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