Graal Short-Story...Critiques?

BroozeB · 12-08-2011

I was bored so I started scratching some ideas down in my notebook coming up with book titles such as "Brooze B - How He Lost it All" and making pictures to relate to the story, then I started writing down a rough draft of a Graal Story from my first experience of playing Graal to how much of a ****hole I am in right now. I obviously don't intend to have this published lol, it's just something to cure my boredom, anything you'd like to critique or compliment? Post below. This is the story...

In the beginning, a young teenager by the name of Brooze Bazinski was carefully scanning the apple application store with his brand new iPod Touch. Brooze stumbled across an RPG-style and began reading the reviews. The negative reviews told of a supposedly much well constructed game called Graal Classic, and directed young Brooze to the application. The retro-style logo filled him with feelings of nostalgia for his old Super Nintendo. When he hit the download button he had no idea that Graal would forever change his life…he would never be the same again.

After downloading Graal he found that his outfit had changed to an old white sack being kept up with only large black belt. His hair had been completely shaved, all that remained was a short, scruffy mohawk standing on top of his head. He had red boots surprisingly a perfect fit, yet they were worn and bedraggled. When he looked around he saw he was in a bar. There were beautiful blooming green plants hanging from the ceiling in freshly painted white pots. Large, square, oak tables surrounded the area and slightly tinged the atmosphere with a fresh wood smell. A warm fireplace cackled in the corner as if it was devilish imp's laughter echoing in the walls.

Suddenly a man walked in. His black skin was almost completely concealed within his black hood and face mask. His eyes stuck out immensely, as they were a deep, dark, blood red. He wore an expensive red samurai helmet that glistened under the dull bar lighting. He carried two large silver scimitars on his back. The handles were encased in rubies, lapis lazuli, and even various specks of gold. The man caught his sight on Brooze and began slowly approaching towards him.
Brooze backed up cautiously unsure what to do. Thinking quickly, he turned to run, until the man introduced himself. The man said,
"Hello there, my name is "IMMA FIRIN' MA LAZOR". Brooze stood dead in his tracks, and looked at the man confused and puzzled. He thought to himself, "What kind of name is that? Could that really be his real name?". He attempted to ask, but no words came out. "Where did my voice go?" he questioned himself. The man named Lazor seemed to read his mind. He spoke out,
"Press the chat bubble icon in the upper left hand corner to talk".

Brooze felt relieved and thanked Lazor. The two sat down sitting on opposite sides of each other, looking at one another. Lazor whistled for the bartender's service. He ordered two green bottles of Graal City ale. The bartender fetched the two beverages and told him,
"That will be ten gralats, sir".

Lazor reached in his pocket and pulled out two dark blue gems. The bartender gobbled them up and retreated to behind his counter. Lazor handed Brooze one of the two green bottles and the two gulped down the ale.
"See Brooze, right here is the finest ale in Graal City! It don't get much richer than this" said Lazor setting his half empty bottle back on the table, but just then the door was kicked down violently. Two rough looking men stomped through the bar.

The first one named "i need a gf" wore a dull iron helmet with red devilish horns sticking out from the sides. His face was completely red around the eyes, making him look even more powerful and intimidating. He was covered in black robes and carried a sharp white sword by his side. Following "I need a gf" by his side was Skullfoe04. He was completely concealed behind an extremely large skull shield with hollow, deep eyes. He wore a heavy white cloak and had fierce looking gray boots. His skin was completely pale white, and he wore a bright white skull-shaped helmet over his face.
The two shook the whole room as they stomped across towards the bartender. When they stood in front of his face filled with fear he told them in a shaky voice,

"Look boys, I don't want no trouble".

"I need a gf" replied in a gruff voice, "Well we DO! Take this!". He took his shining white sword from under his dark cloak and gave the bartender three quick slashes.

"OH MY GODS, OWW!!" screamed the bartender retaliating in serious pain, "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE THE GRALATS, JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!".

"I need a gf" chuckled to himself and ordered Skullfoe04 to retrieve the gralats. Brooze watched the two thieves with fury as they skipped out of the bar chanting "Hooray! Hooray! The new hats are ours! The new hats are ours!".

Jeb° · 12-08-2011

Oh man.... That is vèry talented! Keep the good work up, I want to read more

fp4 · 12-08-2011

It's a wall of text, kind of boring, nor does it feel complete.

BroozeB · 12-08-2011

Posted by fp4

It's a wall of text, kind of boring, nor does it feel complete.

What? How is it boring, did you even read it? I try to implant humor into it such as the robber's name being "I need a gf" because I've seen a few players with that name and it made me chuckle, along with the case of the robbers stealing gralats simply to purchase hats.
It was just the opening I was debating to myself wether to keep working on it or just quit if nobody cared anyways (usually seems to be the case).

Door · 12-08-2011

I think it's a good start! I'd like to see more too. FP4 has a point about it being a wall of text. One common way to split up a story is to start a paragraph whenever you are starting a quote by someone who wasn't already talking.

You might also want to make some more paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. In creative writing, the goal is to make it flow well for readers, not pack as much relevant information in as possible (like in an essay).

Here's an example of what I meant with dialogue:

When they stood in front of him, his face filled with fear. He told them in a shaky voice, "Look boys, I don't want no trouble."

'I need a gf' replied in a gruff voice, "Well we DO! Take this!" He took his shining white sword from under his dark cloak and gave the bartender three quick slashes.

"OH MY GODS, OWW!!" screamed the bartender, recoiling in serious pain, "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE THE GRALATS, JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

BroozeB · 12-08-2011

Posted by Door

I think it's a good start! I'd like to see more too. FP4 has a point about it being a wall of text. One common way to split up a story is to start a paragraph whenever you are starting a quote by someone who wasn't already talking.

You might also want to make some more paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. In creative writing, the goal is to make it flow well for readers, not pack as much relevant information in as possible (like in an essay).

Here's an example of what I meant with dialogue:

Yeah I like that, I'm either too stingy with paragraphs or I put way too many...I'll try to make a paragraph at every new point so it doesn't look so tedious to read.

BurgerBatman · 12-08-2011

Well i enjoyed reading it :]!

fp4 · 12-08-2011

Posted by BroozeB

What? How is it boring, did you even read it? I try to implant humor into it such as the robber's name being "I need a gf" because I've seen a few players with that name and it made me chuckle, along with the case of the robbers stealing gralats simply to purchase hats.
It was just the opening I was debating to myself wether to keep working on it or just quit if nobody cared anyways (usually seems to be the case).

Humor is objective, I personally don't really enjoy yours all that much. Just like you may not find the humor in my posts.

The biggest problem to me is the wall of text, it just really ruins it for me.

Also, if it's not "complete" you may want to mention that at the end of the post.

BroozeB · 12-08-2011

Posted by fp4

Humor is objective, I personally don't really enjoy yours all that much. Just like you may not find the humor in my posts.

The biggest problem to me is the wall of text, it just really ruins it for me.

Also, if it's not "complete" you may want to mention that at the end of the post.

Tried to make a lot of references too, such as "OH MY GODS" referring to the five Graal gods Ultimate Weapon, Stefan, Galen, Azrael, and Pachuka. A lot of the humor/references might be a tad hard to pick out, but they're still there, I guess like a puzzle.
The wall of text could be fixed if I used indents, but I forgot about it when I made this thread.
(By the way thanks for the positive feedback Jeb, Door, and Burgerbatman

)

Sungwonc01 · 12-09-2011

Even though you -repped me, insulted me, said my avatar is crap and criticized me on my grammar... I have to admit this is a work of art.

BroozeB · 12-10-2011

Posted by sungwonc01

Even though you -repped me, insulted me, said my avatar is crap and criticized me on my grammar... I have to admit this is a work of art.

Thanks would be kind of awkward to say

Askew One · 12-10-2011

I actually could read on. I normally dont read something that has too many words xP. It was great to read

Garretty · 12-10-2011

I found that very amusing to read, thank you.

S. Serenity · 12-10-2011

For the most part, the description/imagery was really good and added to the story. Also, interesting idea for this story of actually being put into graal. That really appealed to me because I've always found it interesting how I start to think of myself as my graal alias while playing.

Emera · 12-10-2011

Posted by BroozeB

What? How is it boring, did you even read it? I try to implant humor into it such as the robber's name being "I need a gf" because I've seen a few players with that name and it made me chuckle, along with the case of the robbers stealing gralats simply to purchase hats.
It was just the opening I was debating to myself wether to keep working on it or just quit if nobody cared anyways (usually seems to be the case).

He's right, it was kind of boring and wasn't very coherent.

12-08-2011	1
BroozeB Banned Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Forums Posts: 284	Graal Short-Story...Critiques? I was bored so I started scratching some ideas down in my notebook coming up with book titles such as "Brooze B - How He Lost it All" and making pictures to relate to the story, then I started writing down a rough draft of a Graal Story from my first experience of playing Graal to how much of a ***hole I am in right now. I obviously don't intend to have this published lol, it's just something to cure my boredom, anything you'd like to critique or compliment? Post below. This is the story... In the beginning, a young teenager by the name of Brooze Bazinski was carefully scanning the apple application store with his brand new iPod Touch. Brooze stumbled across an RPG-style and began reading the reviews. The negative reviews told of a supposedly much well constructed game called Graal Classic, and directed young Brooze to the application. The retro-style logo filled him with feelings of nostalgia for his old Super Nintendo. When he hit the download button he had no idea that Graal would forever change his life…he would never be the same again. After downloading Graal he found that his outfit had changed to an old white sack being kept up with only large black belt. His hair had been completely shaved, all that remained was a short, scruffy mohawk standing on top of his head. He had red boots surprisingly a perfect fit, yet they were worn and bedraggled. When he looked around he saw he was in a bar. There were beautiful blooming green plants hanging from the ceiling in freshly painted white pots. Large, square, oak tables surrounded the area and slightly tinged the atmosphere with a fresh wood smell. A warm fireplace cackled in the corner as if it was devilish imp's laughter echoing in the walls. Suddenly a man walked in. His black skin was almost completely concealed within his black hood and face mask. His eyes stuck out immensely, as they were a deep, dark, blood red. He wore an expensive red samurai helmet that glistened under the dull bar lighting. He carried two large silver scimitars on his back. The handles were encased in rubies, lapis lazuli, and even various specks of gold. The man caught his sight on Brooze and began slowly approaching towards him. Brooze backed up cautiously unsure what to do. Thinking quickly, he turned to run, until the man introduced himself. The man said, "Hello there, my name is "IMMA FIRIN' MA LAZOR". Brooze stood dead in his tracks, and looked at the man confused and puzzled. He thought to himself, "What kind of name is that? Could that really be his real name?". He attempted to ask, but no words came out. "Where did my voice go?" he questioned himself. The man named Lazor seemed to read his mind. He spoke out, "Press the chat bubble icon in the upper left hand corner to talk". Brooze felt relieved and thanked Lazor. The two sat down sitting on opposite sides of each other, looking at one another. Lazor whistled for the bartender's service. He ordered two green bottles of Graal City ale. The bartender fetched the two beverages and told him, "That will be ten gralats, sir". Lazor reached in his pocket and pulled out two dark blue gems. The bartender gobbled them up and retreated to behind his counter. Lazor handed Brooze one of the two green bottles and the two gulped down the ale. "See Brooze, right here is the finest ale in Graal City! It don't get much richer than this" said Lazor setting his half empty bottle back on the table, but just then the door was kicked down violently. Two rough looking men stomped through the bar. The first one named "i need a gf" wore a dull iron helmet with red devilish horns sticking out from the sides. His face was completely red around the eyes, making him look even more powerful and intimidating. He was covered in black robes and carried a sharp white sword by his side. Following "I need a gf" by his side was Skullfoe04. He was completely concealed behind an extremely large skull shield with hollow, deep eyes. He wore a heavy white cloak and had fierce looking gray boots. His skin was completely pale white, and he wore a bright white skull-shaped helmet over his face. The two shook the whole room as they stomped across towards the bartender. When they stood in front of his face filled with fear he told them in a shaky voice, "Look boys, I don't want no trouble". "I need a gf" replied in a gruff voice, "Well we DO! Take this!". He took his shining white sword from under his dark cloak and gave the bartender three quick slashes. "OH MY GODS, OWW!!" screamed the bartender retaliating in serious pain, "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE THE GRALATS, JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!". "I need a gf" chuckled to himself and ordered Skullfoe04 to retrieve the gralats. Brooze watched the two thieves with fury as they skipped out of the bar chanting "Hooray! Hooray! The new hats are ours! The new hats are ours!". Last edited by BroozeB; 12-08-2011 at 09:56 PM. Reason: Added better paragraphs and made it more like FP4's.*

12-08-2011	2
Jeb° U won't belive it. Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Norway Posts: 21	Oh man.... That is vèry talented! Keep the good work up, I want to read more

12-08-2011	3
fp4 maymay ambassador Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 1,508	It's a wall of text, kind of boring, nor does it feel complete.

12-08-2011	7
BurgerBatman Delteria LAT Lead Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Holland Posts: 51	Well i enjoyed reading it :]!

12-09-2011	10
Sungwonc01 Slightly Amazing. Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 1,109	Even though you -repped me, insulted me, said my avatar is crap and criticized me on my grammar... I have to admit this is a work of art.

12-10-2011	12
Askew One Good Grief Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Auckland, New Zealand Posts: 46	I actually could read on. I normally dont read something that has too many words xP. It was great to read

12-10-2011	13
Garretty Banned Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Canada Posts: 111	I found that very amusing to read, thank you.

12-10-2011	14
S. Serenity Graalian Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 89	For the most part, the description/imagery was really good and added to the story. Also, interesting idea for this story of actually being put into graal. That really appealed to me because I've always found it interesting how I start to think of myself as my graal alias while playing.