I am writing my first crossover fan fiction it is a continuation of my rise of the guardians fanfiction frost bitten i want you guys to tell me if there is any thing that needs fixed or give me any suggestions

Spoiler

jack's point of view

"Hey Frostbite, I really missed you, I am really glad to be back!" Becca leaned over and gave me a one-armed hug.

"ooh, I just had a really good idea!" she jumped scaring bunny. I started laughing really hard

A loud ringing noise comes from inside her cloak, she pulls out a small bag from inside her cloak and start rummaging around it pulling out many items including these:

(in order)(authors note: anything beyond this point in these() is being spoken by becca)

a banana,

a broken mirror?,

a cell phone (ello?),

a shell,

a moldy sandwich,

a light bulb,

another banana?,

and finally:

a gold cell phone with a pyramid charm hanging off it.

The phone was now buzzing really loudly Becca seemed scared to answer it, She shoved the phone into my hands telling me to answer and hang up with out saying anything, I did what she said plus turned up the volume of the phone. I handed her back the phone saying next time she will answer it. The phone started ringing again Becca tried shoving the phone into my hands but I pushed it back into her hands. She flipped open the phone hesitantly and answered it with "welcome to Goodburger, home of the goodburger, may I take your order?" A dark male voice answers ha ha very funny five minutes, she starts yelling five minutes tell what! tell me! two minutes later the male voice says its game time!

 

 

thats not what i meant tallen  

just read it and it seems pretty good but you should explain the significance of the second banana because it leads the reader thinking  

its a banana! why would i need further explanation

oh also the person calling her is yami yugi http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/278/1/7/yu_gi_oh__yami_yugi_by_guitar6god-d5gtly6.png (Unsupported image host)

you will love what i have in store for them!  

Why is the there two cell phones? And I know it's probably just a draft so far, but every now and then check on your grammar. A few mistakes that just fly right past us such as comas, missing quotes, and some run-ons. Content wise don't try to go into too much detail, it bores the reader. Like when you named all of the stuff in her bag, I'd keep away from that.  

thank you nyte the contents of the bag of the bag is actually a running pun
the other phone will come in later
let me importance of the the rest of the items
the two bananas dont really have an important role
the broken mirror is an item that is connected to her past
the shell was a gift from a spring spirit named rose who will come in later
the moldey sandwich was her lunch that she lost (gross right?)
the lightbulb is another unnecessary item that she likes to carry around
and the gold phone is something that yami yugi gave to her just in case he needed to call her  

Posted by princess becca

thank you nyte the contents of the bag of the bag is actually a running pun
the other phone will come in later
let me importance of the the rest of the items
the two bananas dont really have an important role
the broken mirror is an item that is connected to her past
the shell was a gift from a spring spirit named rose who will come in later
the moldey sandwich was her lunch that she lost (gross right?)
the lightbulb is another unnecessary item that she likes to carry around
and the gold phone is something that yami yugi gave to her just in case he needed to call her

Ah my bad, it would make sense to add all of the items when they have some sort of importance, carry on with the story then!  

here is the second chapter that you have all been waiting for it is still a work in progress im planning on adding some more to the chapter if you have any suggestions fell free to post them!

Spoiler

Becca's point of view

I wake up hearing someone humming the Imperial march softly, I groan feeling the dull ache of pain coming from the back of my head. I shift attempting to sit up my hand slips hitting a metal canister laying on the ground. I pick up the canister and felt the outside of it. I found a button on the side of it. Pressing the button I soon found out that the metal canister I held in my hand was actually a large flashlight which sent a large beam of light across the room. I stand up and shine the flashlight around the room noting jack laying in the corner of the room to my left and (a more human like?) bunny laying in the corner to my right.I tilt the flashlight up towards the ceiling looking for any indications of a light. A large object falls from the ceiling startling me, I jump back a small screech escapes my lips. A shuffling noise comes from my left, I move the flashlight in the direction and see jack leaning up against the wall doubled over, one hand over his mouth trying not to laugh. A loud crash following muffled laughter comes from outside the room waking bunny up who jumps up yelling "crikey!". Both Jack and I double over with laughter seeing bunny's appearance. Jack yells suddenly "Hey I think I found a light switch!" The room flooded with light. Bunny and jack started laughing."What's so funny?" I asked them kinda confused. "You look ridiculous!" Jack and bunny said in unison between fits of laughter. " What do you mean I look ridiculous!?" I yelled angrily. Jack pointed to a mirror that stood in the corner next to me and said "see for yourself". I turned facing the mirror, I cursed to my self when I saw my reflection. I was wearing my original outfit: My white hair was in buns with pigtails that where a little past shoulder length, I was wearing a gold sleeveless mini dress under a black vest with gold buttons. I had on space styled gold and black knee-high boots. I also had a microphone over one ear. I turned from the mirror and faced Jack and bunny, I said "um well we should really go and see what that noise was" I turned and walked to the door motioning to the others to follow me. We walked into a short hallway with only two doors: the one we came out of and a door at the end of the hall. jack bumpted into my shoulder and pointed to a chair that was laying on its side about two feet from the door we came out of."Well that would explain the noise" I whispered to jack, he nodded and mouthed that we should enter the other door I nodded back. Motioning for him to be quiet jack grabbed bunny by his arm and pulled him up to where i was standing by the door. I pulled open the door and we all three step inside. Inside the room there was two people: my sister and yami yugi

yami yugi was sitting in a chair and my sister was leaning against the wall looking bored

Jack whispered to me "Do you know these people becca because I have no clue who they are."

I groaned and said"yes unfortunately I do. Jack, bunny meet Yami Yugi and rose."

"Yami yugi is a friend of mine and Rose is my sister." I explained

Yami yugi gave a small wave saying "yo".

 

I can't wait for the next chapter Becca! Can't wait  

just to let you know the pairings are rose&yugi and becca&seto  

Spoiler

becca's point of view

"Becca! Come on! We will be late if you don't hurry!" Jack yelled as he pounded on my bedroom door.

My mind raced as I pulled on my school uniform, Going back to the earlier days events I remembered what yami yugi had said to us " there has been a series of strange incidents at the school I go to I need you three to infiltrate the school as new students and a new teacher" My mind snaps back to the present as i pull on my shoes. I clip on my mini ear microphone to my ear I grab my bag and head out the door, pulling jack with me. He pulls out of my grip saying that he can find the school without my help and runs off. I sigh pulling out a wooden yo-yo out of my bag playing with it as I walk down the stairs and to school. A long time passed as I got closer to the school and start seeing students running twards the school. I shove my yo-yo back in my bag and start to run to the school building.I am not watching where I am going and run into another student. He falls to the ground, I say" I am so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going!" I helped him back on his feet, He smiles and says "Its okay, I wasn't watching where I was going must be new here, My name is Ryo bakura. What is your name?" I answer back with "Yes I just moved here from America, My name is Becca Halle." "Cool! Where In america did you come from?" Bakura asked. I answered saying that i moved from burgess and before he could ask any more questions about where I moved from I quickly change the subject saying" hey, do you think you could show me around the school? I have no clue where my first class is." "Sure, What is your first class?" Bakura answers. I look at my schedule finding the class "uh, I've got Mr, bunnymund" He looks at his schedule and smiles"hey I have the same class as you! Come on!" He says grabbing my arm and pulling me into the school building. We go up 2 flights of stairs When i hear jack's voice calling my name, Bakura elbows me "do you know that kid?" He asks. "unfortunately I do, That is jack, my "adopted"brother" By this time jack is standing in front of me. I sigh "jack, this is Ryo bakura, bakura this is jack." I look down at my watch checking the time "****! guys there is no time for chatting class starts in 2 minutes! Bakura which room is mr bunnymunds!" bakura points down the hall to the room at the end where (who would of guessed!) bunny was standing tapping his foot. All three of us run down the hall panting.

here is the third chapter of my crossover its not done yet thou, Ive got writers block

can you guys help me?