Confused, need advice

SoManyQuestions · 09-23-2015

Hi everyone.

I need some advice with a little thing I got going on. Over the past three years I've become really good friends with this girl over Graal. In the past year we started Skyping and she's just a really amazing friend. I can tell her anything, really. Recently, I began to notice that I was feeling something inside of me about her. I didn't think the feelings were sincere, so I simply pushed them aside. However, a few weeks ago I couldnt keep denying it and I admitted to myself that I had a crush on this girl.

Now, I don't like labels, but I am attracted to both men and women. Also, there's a difference between having a crush and being madly in love with someone. I'm not in love with her, but I definitely feel something more than a feeling of friendship there (a crush). I told her, and she was completely fine with it. She said it did not change the way she saw me and said that she was not weirded out by this. I'm assuming she isn't lying (if she felt uncomfortable she probably would have told me, I hope). However, I can't shake this strange feeling off. We are still close friends, and she doesnt see me in that way (completely understandable), and I'm fine with that, too. However, recently I've been second guessing myself. She has showed me a few photos of herself, and let me just say that she definitely isn't ugly. However, whenever I think about this stuff, I seem to punish myself with thoughts that I think of. "Friends aren't supposed to feel that way, you know." "How can you find her cute? You're her friend, and friends don't think of each other as 'cute' like that." "So what is she? Your friend or your crush? You can't have it both ways, and friends don't think about each other as much as you do." "You don't find this weird? She's your friend and you have a crush on her?"

And then sometimes, I don't seem to feel as strongly about her as I sometimes do. Like, it comes and it goes (sorta, I mean I never stop having a crush on this girl, but the level of how much I like her seems to change). Sometimes it's like, "This is just a phase." and other times it's "You definitely like this girl." Also, when she showed me a photo of herself, I sometimes say "Omg she is so cute!", and other times when I see it I'll go "oh, yeah, she's cute." Sometimes it's like "Do you actually have a crush on this girl?" and other times it's "You definitely have a crush on this girl." In short, sometimes I feel butterflies, sometimes I don't, the feeling just seems to come and go. I'm just worried that my feelings aren't even sincere most of the time.

She says it doesn't bother or weird her out (I'm taking her word for this), but I'm constantly having these thoughts. It's me who is thinking of this as weird. How can I keep myself from doing that? I just want to be able to accept how I feel and know that even though I have a crush on her, she's my friend. What should I do?

tldr; im a girl, i like a girl from online, i told her and she's fine with it but i constantly question myself about it, unsure how to keep myself from questioning myself and how to completely understand my feelings

Latte · 09-23-2015

You're attracted to something about her, and that's for sure. Don't judge yourself for feeling strongly about it one day, and not as much the next. It's not love that's wavering, its a crush. It's normal to feel on-and-off about a crush, because you're not totally sure about how you feel about them. If you were, it'd be closer to love.

In my own personal interpretation of this, it seems to me you haven't fully accepted that you like her. You seem to want to deny it instead of embrace it-- which makes sense, since she doesn't feel the same way. Try deciding if holding onto this feeling will hold any benefit to you, or if keeping them & convincing her to like you is worth trying.

Talon · 09-23-2015

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice » Those guys will help you out much more effectively and faster than us tbh

I'd personally try to figure out exactly what your endgame is with this girl and take it from there. If you want to just stay friends, just go ahead and don't question yourself. Face it straight up. Just be honest to yourself. If you lie to yourself too much, you'll start to believe it.

MrSimons · 09-23-2015

Posted by Talon

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice » Those guys will help you out much more effectively and faster than us tbh

JS be careful about using reddit for personal advice, or anywhere on the internet for that matter (specifically reddit though). /r/relationshipadvice is pretty notorious for bad advice.

On topic I totally agree with both the above posters. You really do need to decide if you want to follow this person or not. Personally I don't think you should, here is what I think about it...

1. If she is not actually bisexual you are not going to be able to have a serious intimate relationship with you, that's all there is to that, you can't change the way she feels and she can't either.

2. If you press too hard for this relationship and actually convince her to "try it out" you aren't going to be having an actual relationship, you are going to end up being an experiment and I cannot see that ending well.

I'd also like to ask, do you think you are having so much trouble with second guessing yourself because she is a girl? Do you think you would feel the same about this relationship if this person was a guy? After re-reading your post it looks a lot like you may be having some trouble really accepting that you are interested in a girl that you have not even met. Having a crush on someone you just know online is tough enough, but when that person is the same gender I imagine it is much more stressful. If this is the case I just want to say that to me you seem like a very confident person and should be proud and not ashamed for being attracted to other girls.

CM · 09-23-2015

I agree with the above posters. If you know she isn't interested then I wouldn't try to press anything on her, or you'll risk making things weird. I think you should only try to do something like that if you know she might feel the same way. But if she says she isn't interested in girls, you should respect that. However, I think you have a great friend. For a lot of other people, most friendships are either broken or become weird when someone starts having feelings for the other, especially if they are of the same gender. You should be grateful that your friend is taking it so well and seems to be okay with it.

In terms of not knowing if you have genuine feelings or not, I think MrSimons got it perfectly: is it because she's a girl? I think you should just come to grips and realize that you may be a bit different from everyone else. Maybe this is a one time thing, nobody really knows. I don't think you should be weirded out by it.

Also, I find it very brave that you were able to actually tell her how you feel. If I were in your shoes, I don't know how I would handle something like that. Kudos to you.

Foxmon · 09-24-2015

If she has told you she doesn't feel the same way, don't try to change her mind. It will only lead to something worse, like a weird friendship or a broken heart.

It's perfectly normal to question yourself, and it only shows that you have something between your ears. Just give it a little bit of time and don't rush anything and you should figure it out!

GOAT · 09-24-2015

Females are the most beautiful thing on this world. If I was a woman I would definitely be a lesbian.

Embrace your lesbianism with pride.

The Doctor · 09-24-2015

As a single male, I cannot give top-notch relationship advise, but I can give you a few small pointers.

Don't force a relationship on her. This is possibly the worst thing that can happen. I was persuaded into a relationship with my female friend once, and it didn't end well at all. You may lose your friend.
Follow your heart. I know it's a tough decision, but remember that you have some time to think about your feelings. Sooner or later, you'll realize your true feelings towards her. If she doesn't like you back, just stay friends with her. Try another relationship with someone else.

Latte · 09-24-2015

Posted by Talon

http://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice » Those guys will help you out much more effectively and faster than us tbh

I'd personally try to figure out exactly what your endgame is with this girl and take it from there. If you want to just stay friends, just go ahead and don't question yourself. Face it straight up. Just be honest to yourself. If you lie to yourself too much, you'll start to believe it.

i agree with ur advice but i am slightly appalled that u recommended that subreddit
most of the advice is pretty sexist at times
and when it comes to romantic relationships, 9/10 posts are "u dont deserve this, jUST BREAK UP WITH THE BASTARD, U CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mangsi · 09-24-2015

Discovering your sexuality is a weird experience. The first question is: does she even like girls?

Crono · 09-24-2015

Posted by Latte

i agree with ur advice but i am slightly appalled that u recommended that subreddit
most of the advice is pretty sexist at times
and when it comes to romantic relationships, 9/10 posts are "u dont deserve this, jUST BREAK UP WITH THE BASTARD, U CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

thats the reaction you get if you only tell your side of the story

09-23-2015	1
SoManyQuestions Registered User Join Date: Sep 2015 Posts: 1	Confused, need advice Hi everyone. I need some advice with a little thing I got going on. Over the past three years I've become really good friends with this girl over Graal. In the past year we started Skyping and she's just a really amazing friend. I can tell her anything, really. Recently, I began to notice that I was feeling something inside of me about her. I didn't think the feelings were sincere, so I simply pushed them aside. However, a few weeks ago I couldnt keep denying it and I admitted to myself that I had a crush on this girl. Now, I don't like labels, but I am attracted to both men and women. Also, there's a difference between having a crush and being madly in love with someone. I'm not in love with her, but I definitely feel something more than a feeling of friendship there (a crush). I told her, and she was completely fine with it. She said it did not change the way she saw me and said that she was not weirded out by this. I'm assuming she isn't lying (if she felt uncomfortable she probably would have told me, I hope). However, I can't shake this strange feeling off. We are still close friends, and she doesnt see me in that way (completely understandable), and I'm fine with that, too. However, recently I've been second guessing myself. She has showed me a few photos of herself, and let me just say that she definitely isn't ugly. However, whenever I think about this stuff, I seem to punish myself with thoughts that I think of. "Friends aren't supposed to feel that way, you know." "How can you find her cute? You're her friend, and friends don't think of each other as 'cute' like that." "So what is she? Your friend or your crush? You can't have it both ways, and friends don't think about each other as much as you do." "You don't find this weird? She's your friend and you have a crush on her?" And then sometimes, I don't seem to feel as strongly about her as I sometimes do. Like, it comes and it goes (sorta, I mean I never stop having a crush on this girl, but the level of how much I like her seems to change). Sometimes it's like, "This is just a phase." and other times it's "You definitely like this girl." Also, when she showed me a photo of herself, I sometimes say "Omg she is so cute!", and other times when I see it I'll go "oh, yeah, she's cute." Sometimes it's like "Do you actually have a crush on this girl?" and other times it's "You definitely have a crush on this girl." In short, sometimes I feel butterflies, sometimes I don't, the feeling just seems to come and go. I'm just worried that my feelings aren't even sincere most of the time. She says it doesn't bother or weird her out (I'm taking her word for this), but I'm constantly having these thoughts. It's me who is thinking of this as weird. How can I keep myself from doing that? I just want to be able to accept how I feel and know that even though I have a crush on her, she's my friend. What should I do? tldr; im a girl, i like a girl from online, i told her and she's fine with it but i constantly question myself about it, unsure how to keep myself from questioning myself and how to completely understand my feelings

09-23-2015	2
Latte what the heil Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: powerrangerville Posts: 1,351	You're attracted to something about her, and that's for sure. Don't judge yourself for feeling strongly about it one day, and not as much the next. It's not love that's wavering, its a crush. It's normal to feel on-and-off about a crush, because you're not totally sure about how you feel about them. If you were, it'd be closer to love. In my own personal interpretation of this, it seems to me you haven't fully accepted that you like her. You seem to want to deny it instead of embrace it-- which makes sense, since she doesn't feel the same way. Try deciding if holding onto this feeling will hold any benefit to you, or if keeping them & convincing her to like you is worth trying.

09-23-2015	3
Talon don't call it a comeback Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 8,268	http://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice » Those guys will help you out much more effectively and faster than us tbh I'd personally try to figure out exactly what your endgame is with this girl and take it from there. If you want to just stay friends, just go ahead and don't question yourself. Face it straight up. Just be honest to yourself. If you lie to yourself too much, you'll start to believe it.

09-23-2015	5
CM cute frog Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,644	I agree with the above posters. If you know she isn't interested then I wouldn't try to press anything on her, or you'll risk making things weird. I think you should only try to do something like that if you know she might feel the same way. But if she says she isn't interested in girls, you should respect that. However, I think you have a great friend. For a lot of other people, most friendships are either broken or become weird when someone starts having feelings for the other, especially if they are of the same gender. You should be grateful that your friend is taking it so well and seems to be okay with it. In terms of not knowing if you have genuine feelings or not, I think MrSimons got it perfectly: is it because she's a girl? I think you should just come to grips and realize that you may be a bit different from everyone else. Maybe this is a one time thing, nobody really knows. I don't think you should be weirded out by it. Also, I find it very brave that you were able to actually tell her how you feel. If I were in your shoes, I don't know how I would handle something like that. Kudos to you.

09-24-2015	6
Foxmon Registered User Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 499	If she has told you she doesn't feel the same way, don't try to change her mind. It will only lead to something worse, like a weird friendship or a broken heart. It's perfectly normal to question yourself, and it only shows that you have something between your ears. Just give it a little bit of time and don't rush anything and you should figure it out!

09-24-2015	7
GOAT Hyrule Knights Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: In your head 24/7 Posts: 6,348	Females are the most beautiful thing on this world. If I was a woman I would definitely be a lesbian. Embrace your lesbianism with pride.

09-24-2015	8
The Doctor Registered User Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Blacksburg, Virginia Posts: 5,459	As a single male, I cannot give top-notch relationship advise, but I can give you a few small pointers. Don't force a relationship on her. This is possibly the worst thing that can happen. I was persuaded into a relationship with my female friend once, and it didn't end well at all. You may lose your friend. Follow your heart. I know it's a tough decision, but remember that you have some time to think about your feelings. Sooner or later, you'll realize your true feelings towards her. If she doesn't like you back, just stay friends with her. Try another relationship with someone else.

09-24-2015	10
Mangsi Ugh daddy send me memes Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 2,449	Discovering your sexuality is a weird experience. The first question is: does she even like girls?