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Story I'm writing (Any Feedback?)

Writing this.. 'bout a girl who's mother got killed by a gang, she's running from them. Yeah, I know its cliche so far, but i'm not done..

I grasp ahold of his arm. “Don't leave yet!”
He shakes his head in disgust, as if I am a pest that just needs a quick spray of Bug-Be-Gone to leave his life. I pull harder. He can't leave me, not now, not yet. He knows that, he knows how much it will hurt both of us. He couldn't care less.
“Listen, I don't care 'bout you anymore, Syan. Don't care 'bout you or your mother! I needa get out of this place before..”
I look up at the man I wish I could call 'Dad'. “Before what?”
He sighs, shaking his head once again. “You're too young to understand, too young I tell 'ya! Let me leave now, okay? Let me leave!”
I slowly release my grip on the man, falling back onto the concrete. He rushes into his car, starting the engine and driving out of my view. I scream, scream for someone to help me. My mother rushes out. “Syan? Syan! What's wrong?!”
“He.. he left!”
She looks at me coldly. “I knew he would. That's just the type of man he is, you know. Just the type of man. But you're only 6, now. Can't expect you to get it, no...” Her voice begins to mumble off, and she clutches the necklace that hangs loosely around her neck.
My mother picks me up and walks me inside the small apartment we live in. It reeks of unwashed clothes and despair. I lay my head down, crying my heart out. My eyes are closed, and I hear a gunshot. All fades to black...

I wake up, screaming. Not that dream again, I'm sick of it. I need to get ahold of myself, need to get out of this place. I'm 15 now, homeless. Wandering the streets is fun for a while, but soon it starts getting old. Sure, I have my friends here and there who can lend me a bed for a night if its particularly rainy or cold. But ever since my dad disappeared and my mother was shot... I've been running.
I know they are after me. They got my mom, yes. They got her, but they can't get me. Not as long as I can keep running, running from what is destined to happen. No, they can't get me.

So how is it? Feedback? Critique?

Nice, but try using quotation marks?

Quote:

Posted by Shaun (Post 10734)

Nice, but try using quotation marks?

Like around what?

Quote:

Posted by Shaun (Post 10738)

The speech...?

Lol, there is :3

Quote:

“Listen, I don't care 'bout you anymore, Syan. Don't care 'bout you or your mother! I needa get out of this place before..”

Quote:

“He.. he left!”

Quote:

“I knew he would. That's just the type of man he is, you know. Just the type of man. But your only 6, now. Can't expect you to get it, no...”

Note the quotes

No quotes on the second and third quotes u have posted

Quote:

Posted by Shaun (Post 10745)

No quotes on the second and third quotes u have posted

Can you not see the quotes that are clearly there? They look like this: “ and ”

Quote:

He shakes his head in disgust, as if I am a pest that just needs a quick spray of Bug-Be-Gone to leave his life.

Quote:

He could care less.

That means he cares more than the minimum! You probably mean that he couldn't care less.

Quote:

“Listen, I don't care 'bout you anymore, Syan. Don't care 'bout you or your mother! I needa get out of this place before..”

This is great use of dialect in your dialogue. It definitely made the character seem more real and interesting right away, and it implies a lot about him since it's a particularly disreputable way of speaking.

Quote:

“Your too young..."
"...But your only 6, now..."

Both of these should be "you're," not "your." Homonyms are easy to mix up like that, tons of people do it, so it's best to always try and say sentences out the long way. Type out "you are" if that's what you mean to say, then you know to shorten it to "you're."

Quote:

My mother picks me up, and walks me inside the small apartment we live in.

No comma is necessary here unless the "and" separates two complete sentences. "walks me inside the small apartment we live in" is not a complete sentence, so you don't need that comma.

Overall, you did a good job of giving me a sense of desperation from the main character. I think something you might be missing a little bit of is imagery. Body language and expressions mean a LOT when people communicate, and sometimes they can tell the reader more than the actual dialogue. I also like to be able to imagine where people are. You did a great job describing the apartment once they went inside--short descriptions like that can imply a lot and go a long way.

It's refreshing that you wrote it in the present tense; not many people do that! I really hope you keep writing because I think you're doing a pretty awesome job so far.

Awesome... I could feel that being the first page of a book... Are you a good author? If you tell a little more about the book I could design a cover for you...

I diden't even read it and it looks good.Good job xD

Quote:

Posted by Door (Post 10835)

At first I thought that this analogy with the Bug-Be-Gone was too silly for the tone of this excerpt, but when I found out that the main character is 6, it made a little more sense. The story is told through her eyes, so she would think of the world in ways that adults might deem "silly."

That means he cares more than the minimum! You probably mean that he couldn't care less.

This is great use of dialect in your dialogue. It definitely made the character seem more real and interesting right away, and it implies a lot about him since it's a particularly disreputable way of speaking.

Both of these should be "you're," not "your." Homonyms are easy to mix up like that, tons of people do it, so it's best to always try and say sentences out the long way. Type out "you are" if that's what you mean to say, then you know to shorten it to "you're."

No comma is necessary here unless the "and" separates two complete sentences. "walks me inside the small apartment we live in" is not a complete sentence, so you don't need that comma.

Overall, you did a good job of giving me a sense of desperation from the main character. I think something you might be missing a little bit of is imagery. Body language and expressions mean a LOT when people communicate, and sometimes they can tell the reader more than the actual dialogue. I also like to be able to imagine where people are. You did a great job describing the apartment once they went inside--short descriptions like that can imply a lot and go a long way.

It's refreshing that you wrote it in the present tense; not many people do that! I really hope you keep writing because I think you're doing a pretty awesome job so far.

Thanks, you helped me a lot :)

@GreenGaw

Well, I was kinda planning on making the cover myself x3

@Happycat
Lawl

Lol and also I think it would be better to use something else instead of 'ya. Btw my bro always tries to write books so I always look at them and edit them for him. I can be an editor for you...

Quote:

Posted by Greengaw (Post 11062)

Lol and also I think it would be better to use something else instead of 'ya. Btw my bro always tries to write books so I always look at them and edit them for him. I can be an editor for you...

Yeah, I changed most of those, but it's supposed to show you how they talk and give you a bit about how they act in general.

Quote:

Posted by KatGoesRawr

Can you not see the quotes that are clearly there? They look like this: “ and ”

No. Maybe because im usinf FR. :/