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09-15-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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Story I'm writing (Any Feedback?)
Writing this.. 'bout a girl who's mother got killed by a gang, she's running from them. Yeah, I know its cliche so far, but i'm not done.. I grasp ahold of his arm. “Don't leave yet!” He shakes his head in disgust, as if I am a pest that just needs a quick spray of Bug-Be-Gone to leave his life. I pull harder. He can't leave me, not now, not yet. He knows that, he knows how much it will hurt both of us. He couldn't care less. “Listen, I don't care 'bout you anymore, Syan. Don't care 'bout you or your mother! I needa get out of this place before..” I look up at the man I wish I could call 'Dad'. “Before what?” He sighs, shaking his head once again. “You're too young to understand, too young I tell 'ya! Let me leave now, okay? Let me leave!” I slowly release my grip on the man, falling back onto the concrete. He rushes into his car, starting the engine and driving out of my view. I scream, scream for someone to help me. My mother rushes out. “Syan? Syan! What's wrong?!” “He.. he left!” She looks at me coldly. “I knew he would. That's just the type of man he is, you know. Just the type of man. But you're only 6, now. Can't expect you to get it, no...” Her voice begins to mumble off, and she clutches the necklace that hangs loosely around her neck. My mother picks me up and walks me inside the small apartment we live in. It reeks of unwashed clothes and despair. I lay my head down, crying my heart out. My eyes are closed, and I hear a gunshot. All fades to black... I wake up, screaming. Not that dream again, I'm sick of it. I need to get ahold of myself, need to get out of this place. I'm 15 now, homeless. Wandering the streets is fun for a while, but soon it starts getting old. Sure, I have my friends here and there who can lend me a bed for a night if its particularly rainy or cold. But ever since my dad disappeared and my mother was shot... I've been running. I know they are after me. They got my mom, yes. They got her, but they can't get me. Not as long as I can keep running, running from what is destined to happen. No, they can't get me. So how is it? Feedback? Critique?
Last edited by Katniss; 09-16-2011 at 03:26 PM.
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09-15-2011
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MysTe
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,199
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Nice, but try using quotation marks?
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09-15-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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09-15-2011
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MysTe
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,199
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The speech...?
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09-15-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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Lol, there is :3
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09-15-2011
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MysTe
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,199
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No quotes on the second and third quotes u have posted
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09-15-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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09-15-2011
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Sister to Floor
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 87
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Overall, you did a good job of giving me a sense of desperation from the main character. I think something you might be missing a little bit of is imagery. Body language and expressions mean a LOT when people communicate, and sometimes they can tell the reader more than the actual dialogue. I also like to be able to imagine where people are. You did a great job describing the apartment once they went inside--short descriptions like that can imply a lot and go a long way. It's refreshing that you wrote it in the present tense; not many people do that! I really hope you keep writing because I think you're doing a pretty awesome job so far. |
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09-15-2011
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the KattMan
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 4,204
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Grammar errors :/
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09-15-2011
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Stroseria Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: None of your business
Posts: 329
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Awesome... I could feel that being the first page of a book... Are you a good author? If you tell a little more about the book I could design a cover for you...
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09-16-2011
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Professional AFKer
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: South East Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,888
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I diden't even read it and it looks good.Good job xD
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09-16-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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![]() @GreenGaw Well, I was kinda planning on making the cover myself x3 @Happycat Lawl |
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09-16-2011
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Stroseria Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: None of your business
Posts: 329
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Lol and also I think it would be better to use something else instead of 'ya. Btw my bro always tries to write books so I always look at them and edit them for him. I can be an editor for you...
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09-16-2011
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BestSparrerOfAllTime
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CakeLand
Posts: 903
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09-16-2011
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MysTe
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,199
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